Thursday, April 15, 2010

TRY AND WIN

Hello Boys and Girls do you know what time it is? No! Yes you do. Its playoff time. Its the time when the hockey nuts in your family go into a trance. Where they forget about everything else including your anniversary, birthday and shaving. So here we go. What follows is my continuing series of ''Divorcing The Canadiens'' as well as my predictions for the first round of the playoffs. So enjoy and for those non fans, see you in late June.

DIVORCING THE CANADIENS PART 4

Dear Lawyers,

Subject: My proposed Open letter to missus pre-divorce

Dear Missus CH,

While reflecting back on the last year i realize much has gone wrong between you and I. I am not however quite ready to throw in the towel on this 40 year relationship. This last year has been painful. Especially given your total lack of performance in Boston at the same time last year. This friggin year there has been much deception and many let downs. While i clearly blame you (well you and the 23 guys in your family and that dis-functional group you refer to as the head office) i am still willing to give you one final chance. I clearly understand that your inconsistencies, your bi-polar tendencies, your desire to get owned by bottom dwellers while dominating the high class makes you rather impossible to predict. Combined with those runs of 5 bad days followed by 4 good days immediately followed by 6 bad days had me popping PROZAC regularly. In fact it got so bad the doctor wouldn’t give me any more pills so I had to call that uptight, needs sex desperately, redneck blowhard Limbaugh and get some off of him. That was a low moment for me.

Let me just say i am still, regardless of the disastrous 17 years which have past since you last gave me head, (EEHHH...a cup) willing to make this insane relationship work. So here is all I’m asking; When you go to Washington this week try and act like a class act. Try and act like it matters, like your ass is on the line. Try and not bend over and get owned by some drunk Russian. I hear he loves to play dirty but try and control yourself. Try being a little more mobile on the D and try rushing into the zone instead of playing that God awful trap you love. Yes I  know that guy in your family Count Jacqula says it’s the best system. But forget him it doesn’t work and that bone head couldn't get excited about a harem so forget him…..i might even love you more if you do. The other thing is do you think you could throw around some weight, I know your friend the whale is capable but are any of the others? I do realize that your three best friends are smurfs but I would appreciate if all 3 of them could bloody well show up at the same time one evening. It might actually make for some entertainment. Also please do something about your TIT Brothers…there sagging to your belly button and its getting embarrassing. Oh and last but not least do whatever you need to do to keep that foreign friend of yours happy. Don’t mess with his head if he doesn’t do to well tonight. Don’t think about going back to the whale as punishment. Stick with that guy and he might just pull off a miracle. You know like in 1993 with that french guy you called king?

In closing, should you fuck this up please discard this letter and officially consider our relationship over, done, finito, no more, riendo, KAPUTS. You understand you bastard? Now take a page out of Tigers book and ‘’just do it’’ or is that ‘’just do everything’’.

Sincerely,

One last chance

P.S. I’m praying you perform as hard as the Pope prays that no one figures out just how much of an accomplice he really was.

PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS ROUND 1


EAST

Washington vs Montreal               Washington 6
Ottawa vs Pittsburgh                     Pittsburgh 6
New Jersey vs Philadelphia           Philly 7
Boston vs Buffalo                         Buffalo 5

WEST

San Jose vs Colorado                  San Jose 5
Phoenix vs Detroit                        Phoenix 6
Vancouver vs Los Angeles           Vancouver 6
Chicago vs Nashville                    Chicago 5

Robbie Hellstrom

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY

No Tigger from Winnie The Phoo did not show up at Augusta National on Monday. Actually another not so famous Tiger showed up instead. Yes ladies and gentlemen, ''Tiger is on the Colf Course''. OK as sabbaticals or self imposed banishment goes 5 months is not exactly a long time. However, If you ask the PGA Tour, current tournament sponsors and the media outlets the 5 months has probably felt more like 5 years. TV viewership is down by 50% . Tournament attendance is off by 35%. Sponsor and advertising dollars has been falling faster then Tigers pants in a hotel room. Yes the fact is golf needs Tiger. No matter what you might think, your high road, moral standards aside. If Tiger does not play the PGA Tour has serious issues. I have said this before. I am not a big fan of Tiger but i am even less of a fan of the talking heads in the media.

That is why i find the whole Tiger drama so amusing. Lets stop for one second and put ourselves into his shoes. So imagine this. Your a successful man or woman. You have achieved recognition in the company you work for as being the best in your field. For being the go to guy or gal.You don't often let anyone down. You perform at a very high level. Your entrusted to do great things, no your expected to do great things. There is at times totally unreasonable pressure and expectations put on you by everyone in your life. You've made tonnes of money for both yourself and the companies you represent. Your rich, you don't need to work. In fact you've achieved almost everything that you can in your profession. You could retire, take it easy, enjoy your family and life. But you don't because you love your job, the work you do. You love to compete. The people in your community respect you and look up to you. They admire you and your success. They see you as something more then you are. But inside you hide a dark secret. You are a human being, you have vices like everyone else, you have faults (big ones) you make mistakes (really big ones). While being successful and portraying yourself in one light you have slunk along in the back allies doing destructive things. Then one day, BANG! The wheels fall off. Your dark, secret life is revealed. Not in your living room, not in the privacy of your home. Not just between you and your family but on National TV. Your face is broadcast around the world, all the sordid details of your dark secrets are discussed and analyzed in minute detail. Your life is being dissected under a public microscope. All the while the company you worked for is suffering. You've taken a 5 month ''break''. Some people at the company support you while others try and throw you under the bus. And all the while the media talking heads keep spewing speculation and nonsense.
 
So what do you do? You have all the money you need. You can live anywhere you want, do anything you want. What do you do? Do you head back to the office? Walk down the hallways with your head held high?Get right out and sit in the bleachers at the next little league baseball game? Go out to the next block party and socialize with all those who have been judging you? What do you do.? Do you sit up in front of 200 rabid media talking heads and let them come at you? Do you do all of that? Or do you just say, ''screw it, screw it all. Let them go on without me and see if i was all that bad''. You see the PGA TOUR needs Tiger much more then Tiger needs the TOUR. Not many of us would return if we were in the same situation. Yes there are those that will say he needs to beat Jack's record. That he is obsessed with beating it. That his only way to redemption is to return and keep playing and winning. Well you know what? That's BS. Tiger came back because all he knows is golf. All he is is golf. Its what defines him. Its what made him what he is, what he was and potentially what he hopes to be. Tiger is no different from you or me (minus the the money). We all need the chance to get back up when we fall down. We all need the benefit of the doubt that we can do better then we have done. That mistakes don't have to define us forever. Tiger came back for Tiger and the PGA TOUR and the media should kiss his ass for doing that.


Recently the media (don't you just love them) has begun discussing what Tiger owes them. Excuse me! Tiger owes you something? Contrary to popular delusional belief on the part of the media you did not make Tiger. Tiger made himself. One journalist said, ''its a two way street between the players and the media''. Its not a two way street. If Tiger Woods name was Blake Adams you would never hear his name spoken. The media would not dedicate 30 seconds to covering Blake Adams. Why? Because winners get covered by the media, they get put on a pedestal and worshipped. Winning and performance are what gets you front page coverage, magazine covers and sound bites. The reason you might never have heard the name Blake Adams is because he is currently 146 in the World Golf Rankings and the media just really doesn't care less because Blake Adams does not sell magazines, or newspapers or advertising time on TV. Tiger is covered by the media because of what he has accomplished but more importantly what he sells. He owes none of that to the Media. The media wasn't with him and his dad every morning they hit the links at 5 am when Tiger was 6 years old. They didn't stand in the rain with Tiger when he was 13 years old and practiced till his hand didn't work anymore. No. The media wrapped itself around him like a security blanket and rode his coat tails into glory. The media and the majority of its talking heads are sickening. They add nothing of value. Looking around the room yesterday you could see a bunch of middle aged men, with big bellies wearing corporate donated golf shirts. Journalists so profoundly buried in their own self worth and importance that they couldn't see the real story. What all of this has shown so resoundingly is the blurred line the media plays between covering a story and trying to make the story.

In case you missed it while you were chowing down on those free doughnuts boys the story is about a man. A man who could just as easily have told everyone involved in this sport to, ''go take a long walk off a very short cliff''. He could just as easily have stayed home. Most of us would. The story is about an athlete who loves the game. Who lives for it. An athlete who has done more for his sport then any other athlete. An Athlete who has constantly so out performed his competition that they look like amateurs beside him. There is no doubt that salacious details of extramarital affairs make much better news. The reality though is it tells nothing of the real story. A story about a man who was simply a man. There is no doubt that what Tiger did was reprehensible and destructive. That his action caused unmeasurable pain to his family. Here is the thing though. If what he did is truly news then might i suggest you start sending reporters and camera crews to cover every little sleepy bedroom community in the US. For the story you've been telling replays itself every day throughout not only the US but the world. No matter what his stature or his achievements Tiger is what we all are. The media certainly did not make him the talent that he is. They have simply tried to tell you what they think he is and what you should believe he is according to them. 

Here is the thing. You don't have to like what the man has done. You shouldn't like what he has done. We should however appreciate what he is trying to do. So on Thursday morning all of this will mean nothing! A player will get up on the first tee and strike a ball down a fairway in one of the most respected tournaments in the world. He will repeat this over a 4 day period. As you watch this unfold ask yourself, would you have had the courage to come back after having your whole life exposed? Would you come back when in fact you really didn't have too? While your thinking about that check out the number of Media lurches who will be clamoring to talk to a man who only days before they were happily trying to destroy. Oh and in closing, is anyone planning on betting against Tiger to win. Because if you are, well...............................it won't matter if he wins. He already WON!


Robbie Hellstrom