TRY AND WIN

Hello Boys and Girls do you know what time it is? No! Yes you do. Its playoff time. Its the time when the hockey nuts in your family go into a trance. Where they forget about everything else including your anniversary, birthday and shaving. So here we go. What follows is my continuing series of ''Divorcing The Canadiens'' as well as my predictions for the first round of the playoffs. So enjoy and for those non fans, see you in late June.

DIVORCING THE CANADIENS PART 4

Dear Lawyers,

Subject: My proposed Open letter to missus pre-divorce

Dear Missus CH,

While reflecting back on the last year i realize much has gone wrong between you and I. I am not however quite ready to throw in the towel on this 40 year relationship. This last year has been painful. Especially given your total lack of performance in Boston at the same time last year. This friggin year there has been much deception and many let downs. While i clearly blame you (well you and the 23 guys in your family and that dis-functional group you refer to as the head office) i am still willing to give you one final chance. I clearly understand that your inconsistencies, your bi-polar tendencies, your desire to get owned by bottom dwellers while dominating the high class makes you rather impossible to predict. Combined with those runs of 5 bad days followed by 4 good days immediately followed by 6 bad days had me popping PROZAC regularly. In fact it got so bad the doctor wouldn’t give me any more pills so I had to call that uptight, needs sex desperately, redneck blowhard Limbaugh and get some off of him. That was a low moment for me.

Let me just say i am still, regardless of the disastrous 17 years which have past since you last gave me head, (EEHHH...a cup) willing to make this insane relationship work. So here is all I’m asking; When you go to Washington this week try and act like a class act. Try and act like it matters, like your ass is on the line. Try and not bend over and get owned by some drunk Russian. I hear he loves to play dirty but try and control yourself. Try being a little more mobile on the D and try rushing into the zone instead of playing that God awful trap you love. Yes I  know that guy in your family Count Jacqula says it’s the best system. But forget him it doesn’t work and that bone head couldn't get excited about a harem so forget him…..i might even love you more if you do. The other thing is do you think you could throw around some weight, I know your friend the whale is capable but are any of the others? I do realize that your three best friends are smurfs but I would appreciate if all 3 of them could bloody well show up at the same time one evening. It might actually make for some entertainment. Also please do something about your TIT Brothers…there sagging to your belly button and its getting embarrassing. Oh and last but not least do whatever you need to do to keep that foreign friend of yours happy. Don’t mess with his head if he doesn’t do to well tonight. Don’t think about going back to the whale as punishment. Stick with that guy and he might just pull off a miracle. You know like in 1993 with that french guy you called king?

In closing, should you fuck this up please discard this letter and officially consider our relationship over, done, finito, no more, riendo, KAPUTS. You understand you bastard? Now take a page out of Tigers book and ‘’just do it’’ or is that ‘’just do everything’’.

Sincerely,

One last chance

P.S. I’m praying you perform as hard as the Pope prays that no one figures out just how much of an accomplice he really was.

PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS ROUND 1

EAST

Washington vs Montreal               Washington 6
Ottawa vs Pittsburgh                     Pittsburgh 6
New Jersey vs Philadelphia           Philly 7
Boston vs Buffalo                         Buffalo 5

WEST

San Jose vs Colorado                  San Jose 5
Phoenix vs Detroit                        Phoenix 6
Vancouver vs Los Angeles           Vancouver 6
Chicago vs Nashville                    Chicago 5

Robbie Hellstrom

BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY

No Tigger from Winnie The Phoo did not show up at Augusta National on Monday. Actually another not so famous Tiger showed up instead. Yes ladies and gentlemen, ''Tiger is on the Colf Course''. OK as sabbaticals or self imposed banishment goes 5 months is not exactly a long time. However, If you ask the PGA Tour, current tournament sponsors and the media outlets the 5 months has probably felt more like 5 years. TV viewership is down by 50% . Tournament attendance is off by 35%. Sponsor and advertising dollars has been falling faster then Tigers pants in a hotel room. Yes the fact is golf needs Tiger. No matter what you might think, your high road, moral standards aside. If Tiger does not play the PGA Tour has serious issues. I have said this before. I am not a big fan of Tiger but i am even less of a fan of the talking heads in the media.

That is why i find the whole Tiger drama so amusing. Lets stop for one second and put ourselves into his shoes. So imagine this. Your a successful man or woman. You have achieved recognition in the company you work for as being the best in your field. For being the go to guy or gal.You don't often let anyone down. You perform at a very high level. Your entrusted to do great things, no your expected to do great things. There is at times totally unreasonable pressure and expectations put on you by everyone in your life. You've made tonnes of money for both yourself and the companies you represent. Your rich, you don't need to work. In fact you've achieved almost everything that you can in your profession. You could retire, take it easy, enjoy your family and life. But you don't because you love your job, the work you do. You love to compete. The people in your community respect you and look up to you. They admire you and your success. They see you as something more then you are. But inside you hide a dark secret. You are a human being, you have vices like everyone else, you have faults (big ones) you make mistakes (really big ones). While being successful and portraying yourself in one light you have slunk along in the back allies doing destructive things. Then one day, BANG! The wheels fall off. Your dark, secret life is revealed. Not in your living room, not in the privacy of your home. Not just between you and your family but on National TV. Your face is broadcast around the world, all the sordid details of your dark secrets are discussed and analyzed in minute detail. Your life is being dissected under a public microscope. All the while the company you worked for is suffering. You've taken a 5 month ''break''. Some people at the company support you while others try and throw you under the bus. And all the while the media talking heads keep spewing speculation and nonsense.
 
So what do you do? You have all the money you need. You can live anywhere you want, do anything you want. What do you do? Do you head back to the office? Walk down the hallways with your head held high?Get right out and sit in the bleachers at the next little league baseball game? Go out to the next block party and socialize with all those who have been judging you? What do you do.? Do you sit up in front of 200 rabid media talking heads and let them come at you? Do you do all of that? Or do you just say, ''screw it, screw it all. Let them go on without me and see if i was all that bad''. You see the PGA TOUR needs Tiger much more then Tiger needs the TOUR. Not many of us would return if we were in the same situation. Yes there are those that will say he needs to beat Jack's record. That he is obsessed with beating it. That his only way to redemption is to return and keep playing and winning. Well you know what? That's BS. Tiger came back because all he knows is golf. All he is is golf. Its what defines him. Its what made him what he is, what he was and potentially what he hopes to be. Tiger is no different from you or me (minus the the money). We all need the chance to get back up when we fall down. We all need the benefit of the doubt that we can do better then we have done. That mistakes don't have to define us forever. Tiger came back for Tiger and the PGA TOUR and the media should kiss his ass for doing that.

Recently the media (don't you just love them) has begun discussing what Tiger owes them. Excuse me! Tiger owes you something? Contrary to popular delusional belief on the part of the media you did not make Tiger. Tiger made himself. One journalist said, ''its a two way street between the players and the media''. Its not a two way street. If Tiger Woods name was Blake Adams you would never hear his name spoken. The media would not dedicate 30 seconds to covering Blake Adams. Why? Because winners get covered by the media, they get put on a pedestal and worshipped. Winning and performance are what gets you front page coverage, magazine covers and sound bites. The reason you might never have heard the name Blake Adams is because he is currently 146 in the World Golf Rankings and the media just really doesn't care less because Blake Adams does not sell magazines, or newspapers or advertising time on TV. Tiger is covered by the media because of what he has accomplished but more importantly what he sells. He owes none of that to the Media. The media wasn't with him and his dad every morning they hit the links at 5 am when Tiger was 6 years old. They didn't stand in the rain with Tiger when he was 13 years old and practiced till his hand didn't work anymore. No. The media wrapped itself around him like a security blanket and rode his coat tails into glory. The media and the majority of its talking heads are sickening. They add nothing of value. Looking around the room yesterday you could see a bunch of middle aged men, with big bellies wearing corporate donated golf shirts. Journalists so profoundly buried in their own self worth and importance that they couldn't see the real story. What all of this has shown so resoundingly is the blurred line the media plays between covering a story and trying to make the story.

In case you missed it while you were chowing down on those free doughnuts boys the story is about a man. A man who could just as easily have told everyone involved in this sport to, ''go take a long walk off a very short cliff''. He could just as easily have stayed home. Most of us would. The story is about an athlete who loves the game. Who lives for it. An athlete who has done more for his sport then any other athlete. An Athlete who has constantly so out performed his competition that they look like amateurs beside him. There is no doubt that salacious details of extramarital affairs make much better news. The reality though is it tells nothing of the real story. A story about a man who was simply a man. There is no doubt that what Tiger did was reprehensible and destructive. That his action caused unmeasurable pain to his family. Here is the thing though. If what he did is truly news then might i suggest you start sending reporters and camera crews to cover every little sleepy bedroom community in the US. For the story you've been telling replays itself every day throughout not only the US but the world. No matter what his stature or his achievements Tiger is what we all are. The media certainly did not make him the talent that he is. They have simply tried to tell you what they think he is and what you should believe he is according to them. 

Here is the thing. You don't have to like what the man has done. You shouldn't like what he has done. We should however appreciate what he is trying to do. So on Thursday morning all of this will mean nothing! A player will get up on the first tee and strike a ball down a fairway in one of the most respected tournaments in the world. He will repeat this over a 4 day period. As you watch this unfold ask yourself, would you have had the courage to come back after having your whole life exposed? Would you come back when in fact you really didn't have too? While your thinking about that check out the number of Media lurches who will be clamoring to talk to a man who only days before they were happily trying to destroy. Oh and in closing, is anyone planning on betting against Tiger to win. Because if you are, well...............................it won't matter if he wins. He already WON!

Robbie Hellstrom

I STAND ON GUARD FOR THEE

Ok friends let me just start off by saying that yes i was TOTALLY wrong about the Men's Olympic Hockey results. I blew it big time. Both our Men's and Women's teams performed incredibly and both took home GOLD BABY! In the Women's case I don't think there was ever a whole lot of doubt. The women did not disappoint and it was fun watching them take another Gold medal. I was saddened to hear the negative press from the celebration the women held on the ice (with no one in the arena but a few media types). It made me angry that these women were called to behave in a manner that would constantly pass had they been Men. The double standard was disgusting from the media and I think the women deserved to celebrate however they saw fit. Good on you ladies don,t be deterred by a few talking heads.


So i am eating my crow on the men's side big time. Admitting that i was wrong and might i say i am very, very happy to have been. The start for the men was questionable. Especially the first game against the Americans. Perhaps that game was a wake-up call. Or perhaps it was just simply a part of the team bonding process. Whatever it was it certainly didn't make the average Canadian Hockey fan to comfortable. There were however some strong positives working in favour of our men's team. It seems the Russians and Swede's decided to give only 50% and they ended up doing us a big favor. On paper as is often the case the best team did not win Gold. But as always the paper is worthless. It's what you hang around your neck that counts the most. For our Boys it was Gold and that's all that anyone will ever remember. This team, at home with almost unattainable expectations did what it had to do. It pulled the strength, courage and skill together to create the winning recepie. Hats off to ''Sid the Kid'' for coming through in the pinch. Its clear he had way more pressure on him to be the next ''greatone'' and did his best to live up to that billing. The thing that impressed me the most was how well the youth stepped up to take some pressure off of the veterans. Men's hockey in Canada sure has a great deal to look forward to going forward. If there is a forward.

These games marked a potential turning point for Olympic Hockey. With no guarantee the NHL will compete is Sochi Russia in 2014 it might have been the last opportunity we Canadians get to see the very best our country produces on a sheet of ice together. If that is the case it will be a sad day for Hockey while at the same time it will restore the original Olympic spirit of amateur sport. I truly believe that having amateurs compete in Olympic Hockey would actually be good for the sport world wide. I believe it has the ability to grow the sport more then having NHLer's participate. The reason i say this is simple. Most youngster watching the Pro's play in the Olympics realize that that is a rare, if not impossible dream to make it to the NHL. If the players were still amateurs while playing in the Olympics it gives a better perception of the opportunity that might still exist for some young boy hoping one day to achieve hockey greatness. Prior to the NHL being involved in sending players to the Games almost all the players (minus Russia and the Czech) were amateur. Many of those players never made it to the NHL after competing in the games. However many of their names still remain common as a result of their performances during those 2 weeks every 4 years. I think if you want to build hockey worldwide you have to start by making it seem like it is possible to achieve great things without looking singularly at the NHL as an example of all hockey has to offer.

Whatever ends up happening will never change the past. it won’t change the Gold in Salt lake City or the 7th place finish in Torino or the most recent Gold. Canada's sport is hockey and whatever decision is made concerning Sochi in 2014 you can rest assured that Canadian televisions will be glued to every game involving our men's team.


Robbie Hellstrom

FROM 7TH TO 5TH

Well boys and girls its time again. Yes every 4 years the frenzy comes back. The total insanity that is men's hockey during the Olympics. Many still hold fresh the fantastic accomplishment in Salt Lake City in 2002 but more importantly the disastrous finish in 2006 in Turin. That year it was the Swede's winning gold, the Finn's taking silver and the Czech's taking Bronze. The Canadian team finished 7th. Yeah i know your trying to forget. AH but as you know in Canada their is no forgetting, good, bad or ugly.

So here we are in 2010 with the games on home soil in Rainy, windy, foggy, sleety Vancouver, Richmond or Whistler i can't really be sure. Twelve teams have qualified for the men's event and will be split into three groups of four teams. At the request of the your friendly neighbourhood NHL and that midget, sorry assed, excuse for a commissioner Bettman; asked that the preliminary round be reduced to 3 games. Following the completion of the preliminary round, all teams will be ranked 1 through 12 based on points. The top four ranked teams will receive byes to the quarter-finals, and the other eight teams will play for the remaining four positions. Following that, the final eight teams will compete in a playoff. For the first time, Olympic games will be played on a narrower NHL-sized ice rink, measuring 61 metres × 26 metres (200 ft × 85 ft), instead of the international size of 61 m × 30 m (200 ft × 98.5 ft). Now some might think this gives some type of advantage to US and Canadian players. This however is far from the case. A large majority of teams competing have sizable NHL stars playing regularly on these ice surfaces. So hence there goes the imaginary advantage.



The Canadian team looks like this for this years Olympics:
GOALIES

Martin Brodeur (New Jersey Devils) (Montreal, Quebec)
Marc-Andre Fleury (Pittsburgh Penguins) (Sorel, Quebec)
Roberto Luongo (Vancouver Canucks) (Montreal, Quebec)




DEFENCEMEN
Dan Boyle (San Jose Sharks) (Ottawa, Ontario)
Drew Doughty (Los Angeles Kings) (London, Ontario)
Duncan Keith (Chicago Blackhawks) (Penticton, B.C.)
Scott Niedermayer (Anaheim Ducks) (Cranbrook, B.C) *Team Captain*
Chris Pronger (Philadelphia Flyers) (Dryden, Ontario) *Alternate Capt.*
Brent Seabrook (Chicago Blackhawks) (Tsawassen, B.C.)
Shea Weber (Nashville Predators) (Sicamous, B.C.)

FORWARDS
Patrice Bergeron (Boston Bruins) (Sillery, Quebec)
Sidney Crosby (Pittsburgh Penguins) (Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia) *Alternate Capt.*
Ryan Getzlaf (Anaheim Ducks) (Regina, Saskatchewan)
Dany Heatley (San Jose Sharks) (Calgary, Alberta)
Jarome Iginla (Calgary Flames) (St. Albert, Alberta) *Alternate Capt.*
Patrick Marleau (San Jose Sharks) (Aneroid, Saskatchewan)
Brenden Morrow (Dallas Stars) (Carlyle, Saskatchewan)
Rick Nash (Columbus Blue Jackets) (Brampton, Ontario)
Corey Perry (Anaheim Ducks) (London, Ontario)
Mike Richards (Philadelphia Flyers) (Kenora, Ontario)
Eric Staal (Carolina Hurricanes) (Thunder Bay, Ontario)
Joe Thornton (San Jose Sharks) (ST. Thomas, Ontatio)
Jonathan Toews (Chicago Blackhawks) (Winnipeg, Manitoba)

It certainly will be interesting to see how this team gels together. The thing to watch this year will be the emergence of younger players who play in their first Olympic games. Stars such as Crosby, Towes, Fleury and Bergeron will make for some interesting analyses after everything is said and done. Several players that were part of the 2006 Olympic team were left off the roster, including Vincent Lecavalier, Shane Doan, Simon Gagne, Ryan Smyth, Martin St. Louis, Robyn Regehr and Bouwmeester. As a result, the Canadian team will be relatively young. Twelve of the 23 players are currently 25 or under. These players had better take advantage of the moment because as of 2009, it has not yet been decided if the NHL will participate in the 2014 Winter Olympics in Russia. A deal will have to be negotiated between the NHL and NHLPA in the Collective Bargaining Agreement. NHL management is hesitant to commit to the tournament; Bettman argues the Olympic break is a "strain on the players, on the schedule and on fans", adding that "the benefits we get tend to be greater when the Olympics are in North America than when they're in distant time zones." According to Bettman, most of the NHL team owners agree with his position, and feel that the league does not receive enough benefits to justify the schedule break and risk of player injuries.

OK folks so here it is my prediction for the Olympic medals.

RUSSIA Gold
CZECH  Silver
SWEDEN Bronze

So what of our Team Canada. Well unfortunately look no further then 5th spot right behind Finland and one spot in front of the Americans. Why do i believe this? Well the Canadian talent is young. There is some good senior talent but i don't think the team will be successful in blending the two to create a wining recipe. The youth should provide some interesting entertainment but i think that talent can have some serious negative impacts on the whole team aspect required to win at these Olympics. Due to the fact that these youngsters hardly ever play together can cause some serious balance shifts in the, ''play like a team'' mentality. Then there is the goaltending issue. Brodeur has not been particularly hot lately. Luongo does not give me a whole lot of confidance going in and Fleury is young. Fleury however might be the key to any success beyond a 5th place finish if they give him a chance to play. I also believe simply that the home rink advantage will turn out to be anything but. The media scrutiny will simply play against our guys. I also think if you size up the team against the type of hockey being played by the Russians; this will leave our guys looking flat and winded. Combined with the complete team the Czech will put on the ice and the talent in the Swedish Team leaves no chance for a medal finish this year. But hey! I could be wrong.

DO YOU BELIEVE? Or more appropriately. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?

Robbie Hellstrom

Mr. Gainey and the Two Ring Circus

Well yesterday was a sad day for some and a happy day for others. Generally it depended on your knowledge of hockey and the language you speak. There is no doubt however that the departure of Mr. Bob Gainey marks an end of an era here in MTL. Only time will tell what his departure will mean or more importantly do for the team. I came to the conclusion while watching the press conference that we needed some better translation of the information being distributed. So here you are. My translation of Mr. Gainey and the two ring circus.

BOB: Je quitte l'équipe que j'aime, que je donne à celui en qui j'ai le plus confiance.

TRANSLATION: I'm so fucking fed up with all the second guessing, arm chair coaching, General Manager wanna Be's. I'm leaving in charge the guy the least competent to do the job (and the only one stupid enough to take it). Simply because i much prefer watching you eat one of your own from time to time. Oh and also Rejean Tremblay and that fucktard Betrand suck monkey nuts.

BOB:Durant les fete J'ai parler avec Pierre Boivin.

TRANSLATION: After 26 eggnog's I called up the President (what the fuck does he do anyways?) and told him that if he wants to be the king Kahuna. Its all yours BABY! You marketing fucktard!

BOB: Entre partir un peu plus tôt ou rester un peu plus longtemps, je préfère plus tôt que plus tard.

TRANSLATION: The last three years has felt like my fucking head was in a vice and was going to explode. I decided not to give all you media talking head, know everything, hockey fucks the pleasure of seeing it explode.

BOB: J'ai fait de mon mieux, je passe le flambeau.

TRANSLATION: I kept order in this fucked up town for way to long and got shit on by everyone except the funeral guys. I'm getting out of Dodge before the whole town goes to hell. (which by the way should be around March 1st).

BOB: I Might take up the Piano

TRANSLATION: Your all fucked

PIERRE BOIVIN in TRANSLATION

BOIVIN: On y a pensé, mais pas longtemps. La liste de gens qui peuvent être DG dans la LNH n'est pas longue. Il y a peu de gens dans le monde qui peuvent le faire. La plupart sont sous contrat. Quand on regarde les critères pour réussir dans ce marché, ce sont l'expérience, le bilinguisme et les bons résultats.

TRANSLATION: I was dreaming no one, but no one wants this fucking job. I woke up believing i was in Ottawa. I thought about it but not very long ( i have the attention span of the whale)I came to the conclusion very quickly that Gauthier and everyone else once associated with the Senators failed there (count chocula ''Martin''. ''Trevor I'm not from Timmins my name is Timmins''. ''Perry i used to be an accountant Pearns'' and ''Pierre can i fuck up your save percentage Groulx''). Hell why not reunite them all in Montreal. When you consider the criteria for being succesful in the NHL, Gauthier certainly does NOT fit any of the profiles but fuck it he speaks French, has Zero personality, so he can deal with you media fucktards. Now i can go back to trying to meet Clay Aiken through the Gillette Entertainment Group.

BOIVIN: Since no one really even knew i existed before this press conference i have nothing else of value to add.

TRANSLATION: None needed!

PIERRE GAUTHIER in TRANSLATION

GAUTHIER: Travailler dans la LNH est un honneur, travailler comme directeur général est un honneur, travailler pour le Canadien est le plus grand honneur », a commenté Gauthier.

TRANSLATION: I've pretty much failed every other job i've had so fuck why not this one too.

GAUTHIER: La position de gardien est une de nos grandes forces. Nous avons deux gardiens qui nous donnent une chance de gagner tous les soirs. C'est une force qu'on aimerait conserver d'ici la fin de la saison. Nous croyons que nous pouvons aller de l'avant avec ces deux jeunes. On ne peut jamais dire jamais, mais c'est une position forte où nous aimerions rester forts.

TRANSLATION: Later this week ''Pierre can i fuck up your save percentage Groulx'' and i are going to play rock, paper, scissors to see who we trade. If the media and the fans hate the trade i'll claim Groulx cheated.Now thats being a GM in the NHL.

GAUTHIER: Nous voulons garder Tomas à Montréal. Le processus évolue

TRANSLATION: I have no idea what fucking language that guy speaks so i have no idea if we can get a deal done or not.

GAUTHIER: I have no personality and even less of a success record.

TRANSLATION: Were fucked!

Well there you have it friends. A wrap up of the press conference announcing the departure of Bob Gainey. i don,t knwo about you but things don't really seem to be looking up. THANK YOU BOB FOR EVERYTHING YOU DID. ALL THE BEST!

















Robbie Hellstrom

DIVORCING THE CANADIENS PART III

Dear Lawyers,


Well after much consideration and soul searching me and the Mrs. have decided to file for legal separation. Yes I know it’s a pity after 100 years of being together but its clear that I must take some time to reflect on this dysfunctional relationship. It was quite clear after Saturdays trip to Ottawa that things have got to change. No longer can I handle the mental anguish of trying to predict what the Mrs is going to do on any given evening or in the case of Ottawa, afternoon.

You see the day started off good enough. I was off to the casino in Lac lemay. Yeah and OK for the record, its in Hull. Which could very possibly be the asshole of Canada. NO WAIT! Toronto owns that title hands down. Anyway that Lac as they call it which is supposed to mean Lake in English is actually an old quarry filled with water where they have this fountain and apparently when the water isn’t frozen (which is like 6 weeks per year) they have these crappy water ski shows which they ripped from one of the Disney parks. OK so back to the trip. I go to the casino early and sit down to enjoy some Caribbean stud poker. Things aren’t looking to good as the dealer keeps drawing big. Then finally I get a hand three kings and two fives. I’ve got $200 in the ante so now I got to bet double so I lay down another $400. I look over at the payout board at the table and its says full house 5 to 1 pay. I’m thinking qualify you f&*k*&g dealer prick or I’m going to strangle you like I tried to do to the Mrs. about 25 times this season plus some overtime where we choked each other but the Mrs. ended up losing. The dealer flips over his cards and oh Baby! He has a pair of nines and I’m seeing $200 more for my ante and $2000 for my bet plus a bonus payout of $250. Yes sir I’m ready to head back to see the Mrs. and I’m convinced this afternoon is going to be awesome!

So I get back to the Mrs and things seem ok but seems a little antsy. She is like talking for 6 or 7 straight minutes without a break. Going from end to end. Its rather fun to watch. I think the Mrs. is acting kinda weird but I just go with it. So I decide to get closer to her and then it hits me. I smell that Russian all over her. I’m sure she got banged at least on time by that bastard. But seeing as I have extremely low standards and am willing to accept seconds I don’t say a word. I just sit there with the Mrs and we decide to try and apply some of the Karmahockeysutra. Well let me tell you we get right into it and I almost immediately forget about the Russian prick. Were trying a bunch of those positions and that ‘’PP’’ position seems to be working wonders for the Mrs. But given all the info in that book I must say it was kinda blah, nothing like our trip to NJ or that NY theme night. So during intermission from our Karmahockeysutra we decide to go get some food. We sit down and the Mrs decides on calamari and as she is eating it some guy bumps into her arm and the cammalleri goes flying into the wall and slumps to the ground. It takes two waiters and a cook to carry the cammalleri back to the kitchen but it never comes back. I’m thinking, ‘’CRAP, CRAP, CRAP’’ that cammalleri cost like 5 million bucks and was the best thing Mrs. had going for her. Needless to say things spiralled down hill from there and me and the Mrs. ended up strangling each other and she lost in overtime again.

SO that’s it! I’m not doing this anymore. I figure legal separation gives me the opportunity to to shop around and see what else is out there while at the same time keeping myself open for a late night booty call from the Mrs if I get desperate or if I end up regretting my decision. So gentlemen I would appreciate if you would draw up the papers so I can officially sign them. Oh and please be careful I understand she has a shrewed, goofy looking, Irish lawyer who lives in Toronto and is not afraid to shake things up and do very unpredictable things. Kinda the way I wish the Mrs…ah never mind!

Yours truly,

Friggin fed up in Montreal

DIVORCING THE CANADIENS PART II

Dear Lawyers,


I wanted to say thank you to all those who offered opinions on what to do about my and the Mrs. marital problems and potential divorce. I must say some people in here have some strange opinions; Moeman told me to go with porn. Anyways as a result of my letter to you I got a call from this place called ‘’L’antichambre’’… yeah I know what the heck does that mean. Anyways I figured what the heck I might as well go down there and meet them. So I arrive and their office and its like a sports memorabilia store with furniture stolen from the Cage Aux Sport. In fac gtit felt allot like a Cage Aux Sport. These 5 huys are sitting there and they have Newspapers and when I walk in they flash their papers at me with these big bold black font headlines on them. This guy Bertrands said, ‘’je suis pure laine…Mrs. na pas de laine’’ this other guy named Coach had written, ‘’ Mrs. ma appris a lire, apres le sex’’ and this guy named Burgy had written, ‘’J’ai baisser Mrs. Dans un chemise des Nordique et elle a aimer ca!’’ Well kick me cause I don’t understand a word of french so I fired all of them. It didn’t matter they all looked like way past their prime dinosaur windbags.

Anyhow after much consideration and evaluation of all the opinions I received yesterday I have decided to give it one last try with the Mrs. Yes sir were gong to Ottawa this weekend. Were going to se if we can’t salvage this relationship. In fact were going to try some kinky sexual stuff to spice things up. We bought a book called Karmasutrahockey. There are some things called the ‘’PP’’ and ‘’sustained pressure for 3 periods’’ (sounds kinda gross) oh and also these positions called, ‘’throw the body around’’ and ‘’Get in front of the net’’…I never thought of the Mrs. private part as a net (no wait fill it up with…a forget it. But hell I’ll try anything. Ok well I have to head out to the Drug Store to renew my prescription of Viagra and pick up some Condoms. Condoms you ask? After 100 years together! Well yes i heard a rumour that the Mrs. might have an affair with some Russian guy for a few year here in Montreal. Apparently now he is living in Ottawa. Its supposed to be over between the two of them. Yes it seemed the Russian had the ability to make the Mrs. howl in pure delight on certain nights but would then go like 20 nights and not even be able to get it hard. Shame. Anyways I’m worried that while I’m over a the Casino in Lac Lemay (they have a lake in Ottawa?) wait Lemay isn’t even in Ottawa…I’m friggin confused…that the Mrs might scoot over to this Russians new place called ScotiaBank Centre or some friggin thing like that and take one for the team. If you know what I mean.

Alright well I’ll fill you in on my final decision about the divorce on Monday. Hope everyone has a good weekend. And hey! Hug (or bang) the one you love or you’ll end up like me and the Mrs.


Yours truly

Given it one last shot in Mtl.

DIVORCING THE HABS

January 28, 2010

Dear Lawyers, (EDITED CLEANED UP VERSION)


I have this problem and someone recommended that i speak with a lawyer or four. Let me explain. I have been married to this wonderful partner for let see, well about 100 years give or take a few months. Over those years we have enjoyed numerous ups and downs. During certain years, maybe aroud 24, they were like winning the Stanley Cup. They were top of the world years baby. Then there were some other years mixed in there that had some highs and lows but as long as we weren’t living in Toronto I took it with a grain of salt. But you see the problem has gotten progressively worse. I would say the last 17 years have been pretty dry (wink) you know no Stanley Cup years for me and the Mrs. Most recently I have been realy struggling with the question of divorce. You see my wife and I have been going through this particularly tough patch. There doesn’ t seem to be any consistancy in our relationship. One day its good, the next few bad, followed by a few more good ones and then some bad ones again. You get what I mean? Anyways I’m really close to throwing in the towel.

The thing that pushed me to this point was last week we decided to do a little trip to NJ (yeah I know the asshole of the U.S. but pretty much as close as I’d gotten to one in a long time). HOLY CRAP man! The Mrs. put out like 3 times that night. I was spent. So the next day we decided to return home and seeing as the night before had been so incredible I decided we should maybe do a NY theme night at home. My wife loves NY and it is my second favorite city after Montreal. So I figured hell why not! HOLY MACREL! That night the Mrs. put out 6 times….YAH EH! 6 times. I felt like the bionic man (well maybe that was the viagra). Anyways. So we get to talking and were thinking hell our relationship might be taking a turn for the better so lets take a trip to Florida and see what happens. Well screw me. On Tuesday night in Miami I get only one go at the Mrs. and she goes right off to la la land like I wasn’t even there. I don’t get to discouraged though cause I know the next nights got to be better in Tampa. BUT F?&K ME I don’t get any! NOTHING! Not even a hand job. So now I’m really pissed and I think divorce is for sure the right way to go. No other options. I’m soooooo… friggin tired of this up and down roller coaster. But everyone tells me. GET A LAWYER….so what do you think guys any solutions.

OH P.S. My Mrs. has a father who is always grumpy, never smiles and makes some seriously questionable business transactions. She also has an Uncle who at every family get together is always talking about some system no one gets. OH and my Mrs. has two friends. One is a whale and totally not dependable. The other is from some eastern country and seems to be the stable one but the Mrs. can’t make up her damn mind which one is her best friend so things get confusing all the time. Oh and she has these guy friends (3 of them) who are all like 4 ft 2 and they can really be an unpredictable bunch but I hear one of them actually makes like 8 million a year at his job.

Hope you can help

Yours truly,


Desperate in MTL

SAME OLD SAME OLD

OH BRETT!

Its January 20, 2007, its about minus 100 degrees at historical Lambeau Field. Its early into the first overtime. Green Bay and NY Giants are all tied up 20-20. Brett Farve has the ball he fades back and throws it......into the arms of Corey Webster of the NY Giants. The Giants take the ball back and out comes Giants kicker, Lawrence Tynes who then proceeds to kick a long field goal for the 23-20 overtime win and a trip to the Superbowl. A dejected Farve leaves the field still in search of a return to the big game. Twelve years have gone by as he has tried fruitlessly to make another Superbowl appearance. Fast forward to January 24, 2010 Farve and his team (now the Minnesota Vikings) are in New Orleans Saints end of the field its a tie game late in the 4th quarter. The team needs only 5 to 7 yards to put their place kicker back into position after receiving a too many men in the huddle penalty. Its third down. Farve rolls to his right running towards the side line (more like limping) he has the field wide open in front of him. All he has to to is wobble the 5 or 7 yards and do a classic I'm a pansy second base slide and out comes the kicker to do his job. But no! This is Brett Farve. The rejuvenated, reinvented Farve. The bionic Farve (we have the capability to build the worlds first and repeatingly retired quarterback. We can re-invent him, make him faster, make him stronger. We can teach him not to throw stupid passes at the most critical time in a game). Well almost right until that last one, because there he was running across the field on those bionic legs, looking 26 year old again, getting every fan in Minnesota wet and hard. Then he does it! He looks left, into the middle of the field and sees with those bionic eyes only what someone with bionic eyes could possibly see. He reels back that arm and he attempts a cross body pass right back into the middle of the field. What happens? Is it the story book ending for the 40 year old compulsive retiree you ask? Is he going back to the Superbowl to try and recapture another title 13 years later. AH NO! INTERCEPTION and the game ends in a tie. (what a let down after all of that) Ok so start overtime. New Orleans wins the coin toss (only in American sports could the possible outcome of the second most important game of the season be decided by a coin toss in sudden death overtime). They take possession, ramble down the field, set up a field goal and as they love to say in war, sports and love; THE REST IS HISTORY. Same old, same old.

There is no denying the Farve has been one of the most talented and illustrious Quarter backs in recent NFL history. His accomplishments abound and he has already punched a ticket to the Hall of Fame. This Farve however just can't get the idea its over when its over. Since his first coming out (no he isn't gay) of retirement to return to the NY Jets he has only help feed the fire of disappointment. No there is no denying that he lit a fire under this young upstart Vikings team and that they had a fantastic 2009-2010 run. The unfortunate part is Farve couldn't close the deal. You see that has been his problem for more then a decade. Once you close a deal you think for sure there are more to come. You convince yourself as time progresses that its just around the corner. Waiting for the right game, the right balance of offense and defence. With the right coach, the right receivers and a decent running game combined with his imaginary bionic body he convinces himself that it can be found. The deal can be done. That to redeem himself for more then a decade of lost deals that he can, he must find the big one. The dreams and stories of Disney are based on plot lines like Farve has built over the last 12 years. The unfortunate reality is a old man in a young mans game, searching for past glory only come to understand (well not in Farve's case) that the deal is going elsewhere; that the only difference between you and 32 other quarterbacks in the league is your age, diminishing talent and inability to close the deal. All bionics aside..

LES CANADIEN, LES CANADIEN

What to make out of this team suffering from some type of bi-polar disorder. I have no idea what to make of this team and its Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde personality. Every part of me wants this team to be the Dr.Jekyll. To be good, to be focused on achievement and winning. There is this small part of me however that wants them to be Mr. Hyde. I have been a Canadiens fan ever since i knew how to skate. My father and grandfather (and grandmother) were staunch Habs fans. I learned about hockey in a back yard rink built by my Dad and i dreamed of greatness sitting on the floor by the couch every Saturday night watching the Canadiens dominate. My youth took me from 1965 to 1983. My first eighteen years on earth were marked by 10 Stanley Cup Wins (3 which i don't remember) The first time i really started to appreciate what winning meant was in 1970-71. From that point on I grew up expecting and believing that the Cup belonged in one place and to one team only. I wrote off their failures from time to time as simple luck on the part of the other teams. I shrugged off and accepted that basically every 2 years the cup would come back home. Then came the NY Islanders with Bossy, Potvin, Smith and Trottier.  Followed by the Edmonton Oilers and some guy named Gretzky.

The unfortunate reality is that after 1978-79 the cup didn't come around for another 6 years. I turned 21 that year (85-86) and watched the Habs win it against the Calgary Flames in a bar on the West Island surrounded by many of my old high school friends with whom i still hung around. The Cup went away again until 1993 a total of 7 years passed and many things changed. I watched them win the cup in my living room with my 16 month old Daughter sitting on my lap.

All during those times of drought, or between lapses i always believed the team was just adjusting, finding itself again, preparing itself for another run. Now in 2010 some 17 years since the Cup was paraded down Ste Catherines' Street. I have watched, as all fans have, as this team has seemingly squandered opportunities, ruined young draft choices. Has let slip out of their grasp players and coaches who later became stars elsewhere. We have watched as coaching changes (12 since 1984) have done nothing to help the team win. We watched in astonished bemusement as Tremblay, Cournoyer and Houle were named to lead the team. I remember on that day thinking that putting those 3 guys in charge was like putting Goofy, Micky and Donald Duck in charge of the Disney Corporation. Needless to say the Roy departure only added to the feeling i had. As everyone knows things have not improved from there.

So here we are knee deep in the back of the lab experiment being conducted by Dr. Gainey. Hopelessly trying to figure out exactly where were going with all of this. I am not a fan of Gainey the GM. Nor of the way the front office has turned this organization into nothing more then a glorified image of its past history. I think it really struck me how low this organization had become when Saku Koivu was allowed to leave this storied franchise without so much as an inkling of respect or recognition from Les Canadien. Yes i know Saku never brought a cup to Montreal and yes there was much to do about his lack of french..blah..blah..blah. The direction of this team has become so messed up as a result of past history, the media, us the fans and more importantly this belief that the organization belongs to Francophone Quebec. So whats going to happen? Your guess is as good as mine. The team has no Captain, no number one Goalie and a Coach who supposedly has a system but can't seem to get the players to play it. That unto itself requires no more elaboration. This team needs serious fixing. What really gets me going is this idea that making it to the playoffs some how will redeem the season, or past 17 seasons. That if we make the playoffs we just build on that and move forward into the 2010-2011 season. That makes no sense to me. The organization many of us love is broken and a mere playoff appearance isn't going to fix anything. I won't elaborate any further, the 100+ blogs and chat rooms have dealt enough with that. I will say however that this team isn't getting anywhere near the Cup again this year or for many to come. That my friends is what happens when you manage and operate based on the past and not the future.

Stay tuned friends for my upcoming Mens Olympic Hockey predictions.