FROM 7TH TO 5TH

Well boys and girls its time again. Yes every 4 years the frenzy comes back. The total insanity that is men's hockey during the Olympics. Many still hold fresh the fantastic accomplishment in Salt Lake City in 2002 but more importantly the disastrous finish in 2006 in Turin. That year it was the Swede's winning gold, the Finn's taking silver and the Czech's taking Bronze. The Canadian team finished 7th. Yeah i know your trying to forget. AH but as you know in Canada their is no forgetting, good, bad or ugly.

So here we are in 2010 with the games on home soil in Rainy, windy, foggy, sleety Vancouver, Richmond or Whistler i can't really be sure. Twelve teams have qualified for the men's event and will be split into three groups of four teams. At the request of the your friendly neighbourhood NHL and that midget, sorry assed, excuse for a commissioner Bettman; asked that the preliminary round be reduced to 3 games. Following the completion of the preliminary round, all teams will be ranked 1 through 12 based on points. The top four ranked teams will receive byes to the quarter-finals, and the other eight teams will play for the remaining four positions. Following that, the final eight teams will compete in a playoff. For the first time, Olympic games will be played on a narrower NHL-sized ice rink, measuring 61 metres × 26 metres (200 ft × 85 ft), instead of the international size of 61 m × 30 m (200 ft × 98.5 ft). Now some might think this gives some type of advantage to US and Canadian players. This however is far from the case. A large majority of teams competing have sizable NHL stars playing regularly on these ice surfaces. So hence there goes the imaginary advantage.



The Canadian team looks like this for this years Olympics:
GOALIES

Martin Brodeur (New Jersey Devils) (Montreal, Quebec)
Marc-Andre Fleury (Pittsburgh Penguins) (Sorel, Quebec)
Roberto Luongo (Vancouver Canucks) (Montreal, Quebec)




DEFENCEMEN
Dan Boyle (San Jose Sharks) (Ottawa, Ontario)
Drew Doughty (Los Angeles Kings) (London, Ontario)
Duncan Keith (Chicago Blackhawks) (Penticton, B.C.)
Scott Niedermayer (Anaheim Ducks) (Cranbrook, B.C) *Team Captain*
Chris Pronger (Philadelphia Flyers) (Dryden, Ontario) *Alternate Capt.*
Brent Seabrook (Chicago Blackhawks) (Tsawassen, B.C.)
Shea Weber (Nashville Predators) (Sicamous, B.C.)

FORWARDS
Patrice Bergeron (Boston Bruins) (Sillery, Quebec)
Sidney Crosby (Pittsburgh Penguins) (Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia) *Alternate Capt.*
Ryan Getzlaf (Anaheim Ducks) (Regina, Saskatchewan)
Dany Heatley (San Jose Sharks) (Calgary, Alberta)
Jarome Iginla (Calgary Flames) (St. Albert, Alberta) *Alternate Capt.*
Patrick Marleau (San Jose Sharks) (Aneroid, Saskatchewan)
Brenden Morrow (Dallas Stars) (Carlyle, Saskatchewan)
Rick Nash (Columbus Blue Jackets) (Brampton, Ontario)
Corey Perry (Anaheim Ducks) (London, Ontario)
Mike Richards (Philadelphia Flyers) (Kenora, Ontario)
Eric Staal (Carolina Hurricanes) (Thunder Bay, Ontario)
Joe Thornton (San Jose Sharks) (ST. Thomas, Ontatio)
Jonathan Toews (Chicago Blackhawks) (Winnipeg, Manitoba)

It certainly will be interesting to see how this team gels together. The thing to watch this year will be the emergence of younger players who play in their first Olympic games. Stars such as Crosby, Towes, Fleury and Bergeron will make for some interesting analyses after everything is said and done. Several players that were part of the 2006 Olympic team were left off the roster, including Vincent Lecavalier, Shane Doan, Simon Gagne, Ryan Smyth, Martin St. Louis, Robyn Regehr and Bouwmeester. As a result, the Canadian team will be relatively young. Twelve of the 23 players are currently 25 or under. These players had better take advantage of the moment because as of 2009, it has not yet been decided if the NHL will participate in the 2014 Winter Olympics in Russia. A deal will have to be negotiated between the NHL and NHLPA in the Collective Bargaining Agreement. NHL management is hesitant to commit to the tournament; Bettman argues the Olympic break is a "strain on the players, on the schedule and on fans", adding that "the benefits we get tend to be greater when the Olympics are in North America than when they're in distant time zones." According to Bettman, most of the NHL team owners agree with his position, and feel that the league does not receive enough benefits to justify the schedule break and risk of player injuries.

OK folks so here it is my prediction for the Olympic medals.

RUSSIA Gold
CZECH  Silver
SWEDEN Bronze

So what of our Team Canada. Well unfortunately look no further then 5th spot right behind Finland and one spot in front of the Americans. Why do i believe this? Well the Canadian talent is young. There is some good senior talent but i don't think the team will be successful in blending the two to create a wining recipe. The youth should provide some interesting entertainment but i think that talent can have some serious negative impacts on the whole team aspect required to win at these Olympics. Due to the fact that these youngsters hardly ever play together can cause some serious balance shifts in the, ''play like a team'' mentality. Then there is the goaltending issue. Brodeur has not been particularly hot lately. Luongo does not give me a whole lot of confidance going in and Fleury is young. Fleury however might be the key to any success beyond a 5th place finish if they give him a chance to play. I also believe simply that the home rink advantage will turn out to be anything but. The media scrutiny will simply play against our guys. I also think if you size up the team against the type of hockey being played by the Russians; this will leave our guys looking flat and winded. Combined with the complete team the Czech will put on the ice and the talent in the Swedish Team leaves no chance for a medal finish this year. But hey! I could be wrong.

DO YOU BELIEVE? Or more appropriately. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?

Robbie Hellstrom

Mr. Gainey and the Two Ring Circus

Well yesterday was a sad day for some and a happy day for others. Generally it depended on your knowledge of hockey and the language you speak. There is no doubt however that the departure of Mr. Bob Gainey marks an end of an era here in MTL. Only time will tell what his departure will mean or more importantly do for the team. I came to the conclusion while watching the press conference that we needed some better translation of the information being distributed. So here you are. My translation of Mr. Gainey and the two ring circus.

BOB: Je quitte l'équipe que j'aime, que je donne à celui en qui j'ai le plus confiance.

TRANSLATION: I'm so fucking fed up with all the second guessing, arm chair coaching, General Manager wanna Be's. I'm leaving in charge the guy the least competent to do the job (and the only one stupid enough to take it). Simply because i much prefer watching you eat one of your own from time to time. Oh and also Rejean Tremblay and that fucktard Betrand suck monkey nuts.

BOB:Durant les fete J'ai parler avec Pierre Boivin.

TRANSLATION: After 26 eggnog's I called up the President (what the fuck does he do anyways?) and told him that if he wants to be the king Kahuna. Its all yours BABY! You marketing fucktard!

BOB: Entre partir un peu plus tôt ou rester un peu plus longtemps, je préfère plus tôt que plus tard.

TRANSLATION: The last three years has felt like my fucking head was in a vice and was going to explode. I decided not to give all you media talking head, know everything, hockey fucks the pleasure of seeing it explode.

BOB: J'ai fait de mon mieux, je passe le flambeau.

TRANSLATION: I kept order in this fucked up town for way to long and got shit on by everyone except the funeral guys. I'm getting out of Dodge before the whole town goes to hell. (which by the way should be around March 1st).

BOB: I Might take up the Piano

TRANSLATION: Your all fucked

PIERRE BOIVIN in TRANSLATION

BOIVIN: On y a pensé, mais pas longtemps. La liste de gens qui peuvent être DG dans la LNH n'est pas longue. Il y a peu de gens dans le monde qui peuvent le faire. La plupart sont sous contrat. Quand on regarde les critères pour réussir dans ce marché, ce sont l'expérience, le bilinguisme et les bons résultats.

TRANSLATION: I was dreaming no one, but no one wants this fucking job. I woke up believing i was in Ottawa. I thought about it but not very long ( i have the attention span of the whale)I came to the conclusion very quickly that Gauthier and everyone else once associated with the Senators failed there (count chocula ''Martin''. ''Trevor I'm not from Timmins my name is Timmins''. ''Perry i used to be an accountant Pearns'' and ''Pierre can i fuck up your save percentage Groulx''). Hell why not reunite them all in Montreal. When you consider the criteria for being succesful in the NHL, Gauthier certainly does NOT fit any of the profiles but fuck it he speaks French, has Zero personality, so he can deal with you media fucktards. Now i can go back to trying to meet Clay Aiken through the Gillette Entertainment Group.

BOIVIN: Since no one really even knew i existed before this press conference i have nothing else of value to add.

TRANSLATION: None needed!

PIERRE GAUTHIER in TRANSLATION

GAUTHIER: Travailler dans la LNH est un honneur, travailler comme directeur général est un honneur, travailler pour le Canadien est le plus grand honneur », a commenté Gauthier.

TRANSLATION: I've pretty much failed every other job i've had so fuck why not this one too.

GAUTHIER: La position de gardien est une de nos grandes forces. Nous avons deux gardiens qui nous donnent une chance de gagner tous les soirs. C'est une force qu'on aimerait conserver d'ici la fin de la saison. Nous croyons que nous pouvons aller de l'avant avec ces deux jeunes. On ne peut jamais dire jamais, mais c'est une position forte où nous aimerions rester forts.

TRANSLATION: Later this week ''Pierre can i fuck up your save percentage Groulx'' and i are going to play rock, paper, scissors to see who we trade. If the media and the fans hate the trade i'll claim Groulx cheated.Now thats being a GM in the NHL.

GAUTHIER: Nous voulons garder Tomas à Montréal. Le processus évolue

TRANSLATION: I have no idea what fucking language that guy speaks so i have no idea if we can get a deal done or not.

GAUTHIER: I have no personality and even less of a success record.

TRANSLATION: Were fucked!

Well there you have it friends. A wrap up of the press conference announcing the departure of Bob Gainey. i don,t knwo about you but things don't really seem to be looking up. THANK YOU BOB FOR EVERYTHING YOU DID. ALL THE BEST!

















Robbie Hellstrom

DIVORCING THE CANADIENS PART III

Dear Lawyers,


Well after much consideration and soul searching me and the Mrs. have decided to file for legal separation. Yes I know it’s a pity after 100 years of being together but its clear that I must take some time to reflect on this dysfunctional relationship. It was quite clear after Saturdays trip to Ottawa that things have got to change. No longer can I handle the mental anguish of trying to predict what the Mrs is going to do on any given evening or in the case of Ottawa, afternoon.

You see the day started off good enough. I was off to the casino in Lac lemay. Yeah and OK for the record, its in Hull. Which could very possibly be the asshole of Canada. NO WAIT! Toronto owns that title hands down. Anyway that Lac as they call it which is supposed to mean Lake in English is actually an old quarry filled with water where they have this fountain and apparently when the water isn’t frozen (which is like 6 weeks per year) they have these crappy water ski shows which they ripped from one of the Disney parks. OK so back to the trip. I go to the casino early and sit down to enjoy some Caribbean stud poker. Things aren’t looking to good as the dealer keeps drawing big. Then finally I get a hand three kings and two fives. I’ve got $200 in the ante so now I got to bet double so I lay down another $400. I look over at the payout board at the table and its says full house 5 to 1 pay. I’m thinking qualify you f&*k*&g dealer prick or I’m going to strangle you like I tried to do to the Mrs. about 25 times this season plus some overtime where we choked each other but the Mrs. ended up losing. The dealer flips over his cards and oh Baby! He has a pair of nines and I’m seeing $200 more for my ante and $2000 for my bet plus a bonus payout of $250. Yes sir I’m ready to head back to see the Mrs. and I’m convinced this afternoon is going to be awesome!

So I get back to the Mrs and things seem ok but seems a little antsy. She is like talking for 6 or 7 straight minutes without a break. Going from end to end. Its rather fun to watch. I think the Mrs. is acting kinda weird but I just go with it. So I decide to get closer to her and then it hits me. I smell that Russian all over her. I’m sure she got banged at least on time by that bastard. But seeing as I have extremely low standards and am willing to accept seconds I don’t say a word. I just sit there with the Mrs and we decide to try and apply some of the Karmahockeysutra. Well let me tell you we get right into it and I almost immediately forget about the Russian prick. Were trying a bunch of those positions and that ‘’PP’’ position seems to be working wonders for the Mrs. But given all the info in that book I must say it was kinda blah, nothing like our trip to NJ or that NY theme night. So during intermission from our Karmahockeysutra we decide to go get some food. We sit down and the Mrs decides on calamari and as she is eating it some guy bumps into her arm and the cammalleri goes flying into the wall and slumps to the ground. It takes two waiters and a cook to carry the cammalleri back to the kitchen but it never comes back. I’m thinking, ‘’CRAP, CRAP, CRAP’’ that cammalleri cost like 5 million bucks and was the best thing Mrs. had going for her. Needless to say things spiralled down hill from there and me and the Mrs. ended up strangling each other and she lost in overtime again.

SO that’s it! I’m not doing this anymore. I figure legal separation gives me the opportunity to to shop around and see what else is out there while at the same time keeping myself open for a late night booty call from the Mrs if I get desperate or if I end up regretting my decision. So gentlemen I would appreciate if you would draw up the papers so I can officially sign them. Oh and please be careful I understand she has a shrewed, goofy looking, Irish lawyer who lives in Toronto and is not afraid to shake things up and do very unpredictable things. Kinda the way I wish the Mrs…ah never mind!

Yours truly,

Friggin fed up in Montreal

DIVORCING THE CANADIENS PART II

Dear Lawyers,


I wanted to say thank you to all those who offered opinions on what to do about my and the Mrs. marital problems and potential divorce. I must say some people in here have some strange opinions; Moeman told me to go with porn. Anyways as a result of my letter to you I got a call from this place called ‘’L’antichambre’’… yeah I know what the heck does that mean. Anyways I figured what the heck I might as well go down there and meet them. So I arrive and their office and its like a sports memorabilia store with furniture stolen from the Cage Aux Sport. In fac gtit felt allot like a Cage Aux Sport. These 5 huys are sitting there and they have Newspapers and when I walk in they flash their papers at me with these big bold black font headlines on them. This guy Bertrands said, ‘’je suis pure laine…Mrs. na pas de laine’’ this other guy named Coach had written, ‘’ Mrs. ma appris a lire, apres le sex’’ and this guy named Burgy had written, ‘’J’ai baisser Mrs. Dans un chemise des Nordique et elle a aimer ca!’’ Well kick me cause I don’t understand a word of french so I fired all of them. It didn’t matter they all looked like way past their prime dinosaur windbags.

Anyhow after much consideration and evaluation of all the opinions I received yesterday I have decided to give it one last try with the Mrs. Yes sir were gong to Ottawa this weekend. Were going to se if we can’t salvage this relationship. In fact were going to try some kinky sexual stuff to spice things up. We bought a book called Karmasutrahockey. There are some things called the ‘’PP’’ and ‘’sustained pressure for 3 periods’’ (sounds kinda gross) oh and also these positions called, ‘’throw the body around’’ and ‘’Get in front of the net’’…I never thought of the Mrs. private part as a net (no wait fill it up with…a forget it. But hell I’ll try anything. Ok well I have to head out to the Drug Store to renew my prescription of Viagra and pick up some Condoms. Condoms you ask? After 100 years together! Well yes i heard a rumour that the Mrs. might have an affair with some Russian guy for a few year here in Montreal. Apparently now he is living in Ottawa. Its supposed to be over between the two of them. Yes it seemed the Russian had the ability to make the Mrs. howl in pure delight on certain nights but would then go like 20 nights and not even be able to get it hard. Shame. Anyways I’m worried that while I’m over a the Casino in Lac Lemay (they have a lake in Ottawa?) wait Lemay isn’t even in Ottawa…I’m friggin confused…that the Mrs might scoot over to this Russians new place called ScotiaBank Centre or some friggin thing like that and take one for the team. If you know what I mean.

Alright well I’ll fill you in on my final decision about the divorce on Monday. Hope everyone has a good weekend. And hey! Hug (or bang) the one you love or you’ll end up like me and the Mrs.


Yours truly

Given it one last shot in Mtl.