Well after much consideration and soul searching me and the Mrs. have decided to file for legal separation. Yes I know it’s a pity after 100 years of being together but its clear that I must take some time to reflect on this dysfunctional relationship. It was quite clear after Saturdays trip to Ottawa that things have got to change. No longer can I handle the mental anguish of trying to predict what the Mrs is going to do on any given evening or in the case of Ottawa, afternoon.
You see the day started off good enough. I was off to the casino in Lac lemay. Yeah and OK for the record, its in Hull. Which could very possibly be the asshole of Canada. NO WAIT! Toronto owns that title hands down. Anyway that Lac as they call it which is supposed to mean Lake in English is actually an old quarry filled with water where they have this fountain and apparently when the water isn’t frozen (which is like 6 weeks per year) they have these crappy water ski shows which they ripped from one of the Disney parks. OK so back to the trip. I go to the casino early and sit down to enjoy some Caribbean stud poker. Things aren’t looking to good as the dealer keeps drawing big. Then finally I get a hand three kings and two fives. I’ve got $200 in the ante so now I got to bet double so I lay down another $400. I look over at the payout board at the table and its says full house 5 to 1 pay. I’m thinking qualify you f&*k*&g dealer prick or I’m going to strangle you like I tried to do to the Mrs. about 25 times this season plus some overtime where we choked each other but the Mrs. ended up losing. The dealer flips over his cards and oh Baby! He has a pair of nines and I’m seeing $200 more for my ante and $2000 for my bet plus a bonus payout of $250. Yes sir I’m ready to head back to see the Mrs. and I’m convinced this afternoon is going to be awesome!
So I get back to the Mrs and things seem ok but seems a little antsy. She is like talking for 6 or 7 straight minutes without a break. Going from end to end. Its rather fun to watch. I think the Mrs. is acting kinda weird but I just go with it. So I decide to get closer to her and then it hits me. I smell that Russian all over her. I’m sure she got banged at least on time by that bastard. But seeing as I have extremely low standards and am willing to accept seconds I don’t say a word. I just sit there with the Mrs and we decide to try and apply some of the Karmahockeysutra. Well let me tell you we get right into it and I almost immediately forget about the Russian prick. Were trying a bunch of those positions and that ‘’PP’’ position seems to be working wonders for the Mrs. But given all the info in that book I must say it was kinda blah, nothing like our trip to NJ or that NY theme night. So during intermission from our Karmahockeysutra we decide to go get some food. We sit down and the Mrs decides on calamari and as she is eating it some guy bumps into her arm and the cammalleri goes flying into the wall and slumps to the ground. It takes two waiters and a cook to carry the cammalleri back to the kitchen but it never comes back. I’m thinking, ‘’CRAP, CRAP, CRAP’’ that cammalleri cost like 5 million bucks and was the best thing Mrs. had going for her. Needless to say things spiralled down hill from there and me and the Mrs. ended up strangling each other and she lost in overtime again.
SO that’s it! I’m not doing this anymore. I figure legal separation gives me the opportunity to to shop around and see what else is out there while at the same time keeping myself open for a late night booty call from the Mrs if I get desperate or if I end up regretting my decision. So gentlemen I would appreciate if you would draw up the papers so I can officially sign them. Oh and please be careful I understand she has a shrewed, goofy looking, Irish lawyer who lives in Toronto and is not afraid to shake things up and do very unpredictable things. Kinda the way I wish the Mrs…ah never mind!
Yours truly,
Friggin fed up in Montreal
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