DIVORCING THE CANADIENS PART 4
Dear Lawyers,
Subject: My proposed Open letter to missus pre-divorce
Dear Missus CH,
While reflecting back on the last year i realize much has gone wrong between you and I. I am not however quite ready to throw in the towel on this 40 year relationship. This last year has been painful. Especially given your total lack of performance in Boston at the same time last year. This friggin year there has been much deception and many let downs. While i clearly blame you (well you and the 23 guys in your family and that dis-functional group you refer to as the head office) i am still willing to give you one final chance. I clearly understand that your inconsistencies, your bi-polar tendencies, your desire to get owned by bottom dwellers while dominating the high class makes you rather impossible to predict. Combined with those runs of 5 bad days followed by 4 good days immediately followed by 6 bad days had me popping PROZAC regularly. In fact it got so bad the doctor wouldn’t give me any more pills so I had to call that uptight, needs sex desperately, redneck blowhard Limbaugh and get some off of him. That was a low moment for me.
Let me just say i am still, regardless of the disastrous 17 years which have past since you last gave me head, (EEHHH...a cup) willing to make this insane relationship work. So here is all I’m asking; When you go to Washington this week try and act like a class act. Try and act like it matters, like your ass is on the line. Try and not bend over and get owned by some drunk Russian. I hear he loves to play dirty but try and control yourself. Try being a little more mobile on the D and try rushing into the zone instead of playing that God awful trap you love. Yes I know that guy in your family Count Jacqula says it’s the best system. But forget him it doesn’t work and that bone head couldn't get excited about a harem so forget him…..i might even love you more if you do. The other thing is do you think you could throw around some weight, I know your friend the whale is capable but are any of the others? I do realize that your three best friends are smurfs but I would appreciate if all 3 of them could bloody well show up at the same time one evening. It might actually make for some entertainment. Also please do something about your TIT Brothers…there sagging to your belly button and its getting embarrassing. Oh and last but not least do whatever you need to do to keep that foreign friend of yours happy. Don’t mess with his head if he doesn’t do to well tonight. Don’t think about going back to the whale as punishment. Stick with that guy and he might just pull off a miracle. You know like in 1993 with that french guy you called king?
In closing, should you fuck this up please discard this letter and officially consider our relationship over, done, finito, no more, riendo, KAPUTS. You understand you bastard? Now take a page out of Tigers book and ‘’just do it’’ or is that ‘’just do everything’’.
Sincerely,
One last chance
P.S. I’m praying you perform as hard as the Pope prays that no one figures out just how much of an accomplice he really was.
PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS ROUND 1
EAST
Washington vs Montreal Washington 6
Ottawa vs Pittsburgh Pittsburgh 6
New Jersey vs Philadelphia Philly 7
Boston vs Buffalo Buffalo 5
WEST
San Jose vs Colorado San Jose 5
Phoenix vs Detroit Phoenix 6
Vancouver vs Los Angeles Vancouver 6
Chicago vs Nashville Chicago 5
Robbie Hellstrom
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